A Counselor's Guide to Relationship Success
By Bill Benson · Oct 15, 2022
Growing up, my mother taught me that the best way to make friends was through positive intentions. Two of her favorite sayings were: “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” and “You catch more bees with honey than vinegar.”
All these years later, my work as a clinician still incorporates my mom’s sage advice: I help people find and use effective communication strategies to establish and enjoy relationship stability.
Ironically, couples usually come into counseling convinced that the content of their arguments is creating their relationship havoc. They are unaware that their communication method is the leading cause of their discord.
Team-building Tango
Negotiation takes place whenever people communicate. Step up to the counterperson at any fast-food restaurant, and you will engage in a back-and-forth that will get you that order of fries. The same transactional sense holds in friendship: Text a buddy about seeing a movie, and ideas will flow between you until a film is determined and the meet-up specifics are decided.
But back-and-forth communication among intimate partners is more delicate because there’s more at stake emotionally. According to a recent poll of 100 mental health professionals, communication problems (65%) and an inability to resolve conflict (45%) were the most common factors leading to their clients’ divorces.
Just as my mother showed me a few thoughtful interaction approaches, my job is to instill in my clients practical, effective, and loving ways of relating to one another.
Playing by the Rules
Let’s not leave my father’s influence out of this: My dad, first a footballer and then a coach, imparted team dynamics. I now include these principles – communication, cooperation, and compromise – in my sessions to guide my clients toward relationship victory.
The Healthy Couples Playbook
Based on my 25 years in practice (in addition to the 18 years under my parent’s roof), I have devised a healthy communication playbook of exercises that get results. Among them are five sure-fire strategies to help you and your partner create a long and winning season together.
Tip #1: Keep Disagreements in the Present:
Fighting couples have a nasty tendency to pepper their arguments with past failures or dire forecasts: “There you go again!” or “You better change, or else…” are classic bickering examples of an inability for fighting couples to stay in the present tense.
There is a scientific explanation for this. Being that our brains are biological computers (and computers crunch data), we go to where the data is stored – our past memories or our future imaginations – to support our side of an argument. Because his information is based on recall or supposition, the evidence is subjective and complicates rather than clarifies communication. Tip: Constructive conflict resolution occurs in the present tense.
I’ve had the opportunity to counsel professional baseball players with batting issues. Most are striking out because they’re distracted by their overthinking. Thoughts like “I haven’t had a base hit all week” or “I need this homerun, or they’ll demote me to the minor leagues” reverberate. The pitch whizzes past them because they are distracted by this out-of-sync and unproductive data.
Through Mindfulness Training and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, I teach these athletes to focus only on the topic at hand: connecting their bat with the pitched ball. Once this occurs, the players report newfound abilities to track the pitcher’s delivery more quickly and precisely aim their swings.
In other words, we can only influence what’s unfolding before us – and this focus usually gives us the needed time to solve the dilemma.
Most couples come to this eventual understanding only after wading through and debating all the evidence their brains have generated. Exhausted, they’ll finally state: What can we do about this now?
Successful communicators, just like homerun hitters, understand that to score, they must address “what is,” not “what was,” or “what might be.”
Tip #2: Stay on Topic:
Simply put, arguments are competitions. The goal is to produce one winner (you) and one loser (the other person). As strategies develop, diversions appear that keep the contest going until a self-advantage can be realized. Dueling partners will pull out all the stops to ensure the finish line is not reached while they’re in second place.
Imagine you come upon an impasse while jogging along a trail. This detour leads you to another obstacle, which creates another workaround. Before you know it, you’re lost and disoriented…This is called Migrating the Argument; it’s a tactic that creates so many diversionary tentacles that progress becomes nearly impossible. It makes interactions, and eventually, whole relationships, feel like uphill slogs. It’s a manipulative traffic jam designed to buy time to gain an advantage.
If your partner brings up unnecessary tangents, guide them back to the initial conversation through reassurance. Make statements like: “You just brought up a good point. However, let’s resolve the issue we’re addressing right now before moving on to the one you’ve just mentioned.”
Remain diligent in your quest to stay on course, one course at a time. The key to successful conflict resolution is finding and navigating a clear roadmap – together.
Tip #3: Problem-solve:
Deeply felt and symbolic undertones characterize intimate relationships. Chances are good that partners have shown vulnerability and entrusted each other with their respective emotional truths. These beneath-the-armor experiences are both nurturing and nuanced. This transparency must be considered – even protected – when disagreements arise.
Winning an argument forces your partner to concede their meaningful convictions. This, in turn, can lead to emotional distancing or worse. Victory often creates its opposite consequence: “You can win a battle but lose the war.”
Differences are vital to the balance within a relationship: consider your collaborator’s strengths and play to them. When disagreements arise, remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. It doesn’t make sense to kick your partner in the shins when the overall point is to work together to get the ball over the goal line. Realize every talented Quarterback needs a great Receiver. Set down your “winner takes all” attitude and enjoy the intimacy-building sweetness of mutual achievement.
Tip #4: Focus on Behavior, Not Character:
Judging an athlete’s overall ability by one penalty is foolish – so is assessing someone’s character based on one mistake. Partners who fight reasonably understand disagreements must center on behavior, not character.
Find yourself screaming: “you’re an idiot!” or “you don’t care about us!” or “I hate you!” and you will eventually come to regret these statements. These attacks can easily create emotional scarring, damaging your relationship dynamic. This behavior also says a lot about you – why would you choose to be in a relationship with someone you feel is so profoundly flawed?
“Stage 3 conflicts” are like fumbling during a pivotal moment during the Super Bowl. They are tough to forgive and even harder to forget – and they make winning when it counts a lot more complicated. The next time you disagree with your significant other, remember the qualities that made you commit to your relationship in the first place.
Noted psychologist Carl Rogers coined “Unconditional Positive Regard” to describe conscious support and acceptance despite your partner’s occasional mistakes or lapses. Successful couples stay within the perimeters of this behavior. “I disagree with what you did” or “when this happened, I felt overlooked by you” is fair game – character assassination is not.
Tip #5: Use I Statements:
An I Statement is a way to claim and then convey your feelings when issues arise without blaming another. This intervention’s effectiveness lies in its thoughtful and non-judgmental approach: You are taking self-responsibility for your reaction to a challenge instead of finger-pointing. I often tell couples: if you never want to argue again, use I Statements!
There are four steps to an I Statement:
1.) Notice the difficult circumstance the two of you are in.
2.) Convey how this event is making you feel.
3.) Invite your partner to share how they feel about how you’re feeling.
4.) Describe the exact behavior that would help you resolve your struggle.
Using observation clears the communication of any accusation. Sharing our feelings allows us to assess them for appropriateness (am I overreacting?). If your feelings are valid, inviting our teammates to comment conveys that their thoughts matter to us.
Example: Sally notices that Tom is under-representing his earnings on their joint tax return:
1.) “I see an income discrepancy on our tax return….”
2.) “…and this is making me feel uneasy.”
3.) “Tom, I’d like to know how you feel about the fact that I’m now nervous and worried.”
4.) “It would make me feel better if we stated the actual amount we earned last year.”
Once Tom realizes his actions are creating concern, he can better weigh them. Is his shaving a few hundred dollars off their tax debt worth the emotional pain these actions are causing his wife?
Tom tells Sally it wasn’t his intention to make her nervous, and because he cares about her, he is willing to correct the income line on their tax return.
Conveying I Statements may initially seem clinical and clunky, like adjusting your grip on a baseball bat. However, with practice, this communication habit can yield positive results that “hit it out of the park.”
The Grand Slam
Establishing communication rules and practices increase the possibility of positive outcomes.
Learning to keep disagreements in the present tense gives us the focus to solve our dilemmas. Staying on topic helps us get there more quickly. Centering on behaviors, not character, keeps arguments from being taken as personal attacks.
The point of any discussion is to arrive at a mutually beneficial conclusion. Instead of promoting an agenda, problem-solving will go a long way toward achieving this goal. Conversing in “I Statements” is a surefire way to get there.
Just as a skilled athlete must train to get into physical condition, communication fitness is also achieved by developing and following a disciplined regimen and mutual intention.
Any situation can be solved if you relax, settle your need to win, and keep your eye on the ball.