Liberation from People-Pleasing
By Bill Benson · June 5, 2023
Self-defeating behavior refers to action patterns that hinder our personal growth and well-being, often stemming from subconscious motivations. For example, people-pleasing is one form of self-defeating behavior that can be emotionally and mentally exhausting.
When people-pleasers prioritize the needs and desires of others above their own, the cost is often their happiness and fulfillment. This article examines the detrimental effects of people-pleasing on individuals and offers strategies for breaking free from this self-defeating cycle.
The Exhaustion of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behavior may appear selfless and admirable on the surface, but it can take a significant toll on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. Constantly striving to meet the expectations and demands of others can lead to emotional collapse, as the people-pleaser stretches themselves too thin to please everyone.1
In addition, the ongoing need for validation and approval from others can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even resentment toward those they aim to please.2
The focus on meeting the needs of others often leads to neglecting one’s own needs, desires, and self-care.
Over time, this imbalance erodes self-esteem and self-worth, as people-pleasers prioritize external validation over their inner fulfillment.4 The cycle of fatigue perpetuates as people-pleasers continue to seek approval, perpetually trapped in a never-ending quest to satisfy others.
Challenging the Presumption of Caretaking for Validation
It is presumptive to assume that we must caretake others to be validated by them. Seeking validation solely through people-pleasing is an unsustainable approach, as it places one’s sense of self-worth in the hands of others. Proper validation comes from within by embracing one’s own values, needs, and desires.
Breaking Free from the Cycle
Recognizing and addressing self-defeating behavior is the first step toward liberation from the exhausting people-pleasing cycle. Here are some strategies to consider:
- Self-awareness: Cultivating self-awareness is essential in identifying people-pleasing tendencies. Acknowledging the negative impact of people-pleasing on one’s well-being is crucial to initiate change.5
- Reflect on personal values: Take the time to identify and clarify personal values and priorities. Understanding what truly matters to you allows for more authentic self-expression and helps shift the focus from external validation to internal fulfillment.
- Cultivate self-worth: Recognize that your worth as an individual does not depend on constantly meeting the needs of others. Instead, develop a positive self-image by acknowledging your strengths, accomplishments, and inherent value as a human being.
- Embrace self-care: Prioritize self-care and well-being, acknowledging that taking care of yourself is not selfish but necessary for overall health and happiness. Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.
- Establishing boundaries: Setting clear boundaries is crucial in reclaiming personal autonomy and prioritizing self-care. It involves learning to say “no” when necessary without feeling guilty or anxious about disappointing others.6
- Practicing self-compassion: People-pleasers often harbor unrealistic expectations for themselves. Practicing self-compassion involves acknowledging and accepting one’s limitations, imperfections and the importance of self-care.7
- Practice assertiveness: Learn to express your needs, wants, and opinions openly and respectfully. Assertiveness empowers individuals to set healthy boundaries and establish balanced relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. Developing assertiveness skills empowers individuals to express their needs, wants, and opinions openly and respectfully. This behavior allows for healthier and more balanced relationships.8
- Seeking support: Therapy or counseling can provide valuable guidance and support in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. Professional help can assist in identifying underlying causes, challenging limiting beliefs, and developing effective coping strategies.9
Trust Others by Pleasing Yourself
People-pleasing behavior may initially stem from the presumption that caretaking others is necessary for validation. In truth, this incessant desire to make others happy ultimately leads to exhaustion and self-neglect. It perpetuates anxiety, low self-esteem, and an ongoing need for external validation.
However, individuals can break free from this exhausting cycle by recognizing the detrimental effects of people-pleasing and implementing strategies such as self-awareness, boundary-setting, self-compassion, assertiveness training, and seeking support. Additionally, by embracing personal autonomy, we can cultivate a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Distracted driving leads to accidents – stop wrestling the steering wheel from others and allow others to drive their own paths. Looking through your unique windshield enables you to maneuver life’s journey more enjoyably and effectively.
References:
- Cuncic, A. (2020). “How People-Pleasing Leads to Anxiety.”
- Alden, L. E., Trew, J. L., & Hampson, S. E. (2006). “If it makes you happy: Engaging in self-reflective processing of pleasurable emotional experiences induces mood-congruent judgment and recall.” Cognition & Emotion, 20(3-4), 403-415. doi:10.1080/02699930500379803
- Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Ediger, E. (1996). “Perfectionism and self-destructive behavior in college students.” Canadian Journal of Counseling, 30(3), 215-227.
- Lancer, D. (2016). “The harsh critic: Internalized shame in people-pleasers.” Psych Central.
- Nelson, K. (2019). “How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 7 Powerful Habits.” PositivePsychology.com.
- Smith, M., Segal, J., & Segal, R. (2021). “Assertiveness Training.”
- Neff, K. D. (2003). “Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself.” Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. doi:10.1080/15298860309032
- Gallo, L. C., & Matthews, K. A. (2003). “Understanding the association between socioeconomic status and physical health: Do negative emotions play a role?” Psychological Bulletin, 129(1), 10-51. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.129.1.10
- Norcross, J. C., & Wampold, B. E. (2019). “Evidence-based therapy relationships: Research conclusions and clinical practices.” Psychotherapy, 56(3), 328-337. doi:10.1037/pst0000223.