Is Approval-Seeking Sabotaging You?
By Bill Benson · Sept 7, 2023
Our approval-seeking and need for external validation often sabotage the kinds of relationships that genuinely nurture us – leaving us dissatisfied, lonely, and hollow. When life presents us with so much to manage, it’s easy to give up what’s personally meaningful to satisfy the expectations of others. Instead of approval-seeking, discovering and living from the core of who we are is a surefire way to know authentic happiness.
Genuine happiness can only be achieved when we transform our way of life from the unthinking pursuit of pleasure to one committed to enriching our inner lives – when we focus on ‘being more’ rather than simply ‘having more.’ – Daisaku Ikeda.
The LA LA Land of Neediness
I am a psychotherapist smack-dab in the middle of “Hollywood.” It’s not only a geographical location but a symbolic one: Hollywood is a place for the aspirational to seek fame and fortune. Perhaps nowhere else in the world is more emblematic of the dream to “make it:” to become endorsed, significant, special.
However, the clinical definition of “making it” is different: it evokes one’s ability to hone and operate from one’s true potential. I am in the business of empowering people to uncover the best of who they are and guiding them toward embodying what is uniquely theirs.
This makes my job all the more challenging because I’m in a land where people endeavor to supersize themselves – to move away from who they actually are and towards personas they believe others will applaud.
The Glitter is Externally Everywhere
Approval-seeking is no longer a localized issue. Today, you don’t need to pack your bags for Tinseltown to journey towards widespread popularity. These days “Hollywood” is as close as your smartphone. Social Media and Internet access enable people to conveniently step towards not self-improvement but “selfie” improvement – regardless of location.
Simply put, whether you are an up-and-comer in Hollywood or a bedroom podcaster from Poughkeepsie, you can create a persona that may gain a global following.
Handle Popularity with Care
Handled transactionally, this process can be a clever hobby or even a lucrative career. But problems arise when our emotions become pinned to such practices. Looking outside of ourselves for validation and portraying ourselves through the lens of what we perceive others will endorse is a cautionary practice that can easily lead to neediness and desperation.
Although this strategy sometimes creates outward success, our existence resoundingly becomes hollow when we construct our lives based on impressing others. Apathy seeps in without a sense of internal guidance, purpose, and conviction.
Life becomes a heavy costume to wear when we generate our identities from tracking trends. Manufacturing idealized versions of ourselves for others is inauthentic and, therefore, never emotionally satisfying.
Success is getting what you want: Happiness is wanting what you get.-W.P. Kinsella
You see, we generate mental health and well-being “inside-out.” It is far wiser to endeavor to find your authentic voice and contribute it to the best of your ability, regardless of who is watching or how many are listening. For true well-being to flourish, you must find, define, and operate from authenticity, not hunt for external validation.
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Is the Role You’re Playing an Accurate Depiction of Who You Really Are?
One of my favorite interventions demonstrates a common theme within many religions, spiritual practices, and metaphysics:
Scan your body with curiosity to realize what you’re not:
- You’re not your clothes – outfits are pulled on and taken off without your identity changing.
- You’re not your career – even if you identify with your occupation, you exist separately from what you do.
- You’re not your hair – hair can be cut, colored – or even fall out, and you’re still you.
- You’re not your skin – skin cells are shed continuously, yet you’re still identifiable.
- You’re not your organs – the building blocks within your body regenerate, yet they maintain stable functioning.
- You’re not your thoughts or moods – these change at will, yet you keep a consistent identity.
- So, the question becomes – What makes you, you?
An Illuminating Illustration
I often use lightbulbs as analogies to help clients answer this question because these devices demonstrate how source energy uses a physical system to convert electricity into light: As you align with your true essence, you also illuminate your physical body’s journey.
Enlightenment is an internal process of recognizing, developing, and expressing what authentically already lives within you.
So, the next time you dress to impress or become nervous about proving yourself during a business meeting, realize you can function from a more accurate, reliable, and compelling perspective. Turn your attention away from approval-seeking and your need to control life’s externals. Instead, interact using the internal completeness within you.
Just as darkness evaporates the moment we turn on a light switch, we can resolve any emotional insecurity with inner illumination. You are not what you do – what you do is a function of you…