Active Listening: How to Stay Emotionally Safe During Any Interaction
By Bill Benson · April 21, 2022
From award show scuffles to mass city shootings to wartime atrocities, startling and aggressive behavior surrounds us. Deciphering “what the #*@ is going on?” can be unsettling and confusing.
Unexpected events have recently caught many off-guard. I use “off-guard” purposefully because it implies we must be “on-guard” to deal with these occurrences safely.
Fortunately, there are psychological tools to help us stay safely above the fray, which are healthier, less aggressive, alternatives for staying level-headed despite the many challenges we currently face. Here’s how to accurately assess situations and authentically communicate with others through Active Listening.
Why People React vs. Respond
Our perceptions and opinions develop from familiar surroundings. Based on these interactions, we cement together internal narratives – the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and others.
Because of this, our identities become deeply rooted in possessiveness: “my family,” “my community,” and “my country,” for example. Lassoing who we are to what surrounds us compels us to protect and defend these possessions at all costs.
Turmoil ensues if events counter our self-definitions. Perceiving challenge, we become offended, threatened, or entitled. As a result, events can quickly escalate from reasonable to irrational – creating consequences ranging from slight regret to full-blown tragedy.
Balancing the Truth
It’s neither possible nor necessary to control all of life’s external events. However, we can choose to appropriately process what’s going on in a way that builds character, not consequences.
Bigger-picture thinking allows us to assess life thoughtfully instead of emotionally. Then, with practice and patience, we can influence our perceptions, affecting how we respond or react to unfolding circumstances.
Detaching from subjectivity makes objectivity possible.
Envision subjectivity as inward-focus (narrative) and objectivity as outward-focus (observation). Recognizing and deciphering this inward/outward dance of thoughts in ourselves and others can help keep us out of hot water.
An Effective, Affective Tip
The English language is laden with conjunctions and clauses. To review, conjunctions (but, and, or…) are words that often link two or more clauses together in a sentence.
Here’s a sure-fire way to use the above information to maintain levelheadedness in any communication:
People disclose true intention within the second clause – after the conjunction.
For example, if I told you: “I am sorry for what I said, BUT here’s why I said it.” I’m emotionally charged. Arranging my words in this way indicates my desire to excuse my behavior and justify my actions. So stand clear: I’m not interested in considering your point of view.
However, if I say, “I said this, AND I’m sorry.” I’m catching my reactivity, taking responsibility for my words, and looking to resolve the damage my aggression has caused. I’m responsive, demonstrating bigger-picture thinking, and actively considering you.
This clause/conjunction awareness makes the dynamics of a situation evident, allowing you to appropriately respond to the aggressor – even if that means walking away.
Think Before You Speak
We all have a choice when interacting: We can create consequences through reactivity or cooperation with responsiveness. It’s wise to watch our (and others) “buts.” Noticing conjunction and clause placement can give us useful real-time information about what’s actually occurring.
So, keep your windshield clear and your wits about you. Staying in a bigger picture perspective through Active Listening goes a long way in making life’s navigation a lot less bumpy.