Upending the Pursuit of Happiness:
Beyond Pleasure to True Fulfillment
By Bill Benson · Feb 15, 2024
I sit listening to successful executive Emily* explain her bewilderment: “I’ve achieved everything I’ve set out to…so… I’m here to figure out why I feel depressed and why I’m so disappointed in myself and others.”
Emily’s words linger between us. As a long-time clinician in private practice, I’m familiar with her perspective – the basis of which is people’s confusion between pleasure and happiness.
After years of therapeutic work with clients, I’ve encountered this common misconception repeatedly: People believe they’re unhappy when, in reality, it’s displeasure filtering out their internal sunshine. Shackled to externals as a way to define ourselves, it’s easy to feel the pangs of lives built for pleasure instead of ones spent pursuing happiness.
In This Article:
- Let’s take a deep dive into the societal narrative that tethers happiness to external achievements.
- Let’s consider evidence pointing toward the discontent of pursuing pleasure rather than meaning.
- And then, let’s consider reworking this recipe.
Peer Pressure
Society convinces us that happiness lies in attaining goals – the dream job, the fancy car, the perfect family. After all, such expectations enact the dangling-carrot mindset necessary to drive consumerism and our economy.
But, this “I’ll be happy when I achieve this…” mentality implies that we are currently unhappy and ushers in chronic yearning. The more we equate happiness with future milestones, the more joy seems just out of reach.
In truth, our dissatisfaction occurs because our pursuits are pleasure-seeking, not happiness-affirming. We assume happiness is the byproduct of accomplishing predetermined pleasures when it has more to do with a mindset of living, not questing.
Society's Setup for Crisis
Pursuing external achievements and tangible outcomes often takes precedence in the early stages of adulthood, as individuals strive for success, recognition, and material accomplishments.
However, the passage of time traditionally brings reflection and introspection. Individuals (like Emily) may find themselves grappling with a sense of emptiness or questioning the true significance of these achievements. Deeper meaning becomes essential for navigating the challenges of midlife and discovering a sense of emotional purpose that transcends mere results.
Lifelong journeys are full of inevitable ups and downs; the occasional grind of our jobs and the unexpected twists of our personal lives can be unpleasant. Even so, our challenges don’t necessarily equate to unhappiness – how we perceive these events determines our degree of struggle.
The Pleasure Trap
Acceptance is a necessary ingredient in the happiness recipe. By definition, acceptance is the ability to put down struggle – even if we disagree with another’s point of view or the outcome of a situation. Displeasure, however, arises from the non-acceptance of an outcome – in other words, to be pleased, we need circumstances to align with our expectations.
Tropic Thunder
Consider the scenario of scheduling a vacation: Surveys indicate that trip planning often surpasses the satisfaction of the actual vacation experience. Envisioning a trip’s “wheres and hows” creates a sense of pleasure because planning allows us to control all of the variables. However, what if it rains? What if there’s a flight delay? Life’s unpredictability can turn anticipated pleasure into unforeseen displeasure.
Instead of fixating on ideal vacation circumstances, imagine being passionate about your destination’s people, culture, or food. The experience then transcends pleasure and becomes meaningful. Rain or shine, the journey retains its essence, surpassing pleasurable need because the encounter has become profound.
Pleasure or Happiness?
We all deserve to experience both pleasure and happiness. However, in pursuing a fulfilling life, it’s crucial to discern between pleasure and happiness so that we can balance the two.
By understanding this difference, we can transform life experiences into opportunities for learning, empowerment, and contribution. Pleasurable attainment is fine, but finding aspects of our activities that meaningfully resonate becomes vital to a balanced sense of overall well-being.
Chocolate-chip Wisdom
To illustrate this transformative concept, let’s turn to a yummy metaphor. Much like biting into a delicious cookie and then challenging yourself to recreate the recipe by taste, we can reverse-engineer our lives by identifying the meaningful elements that, in turn, inspire happiness.
Try this:
Tomorrow morning, wake up with the intention of how you’d like to feel. Come up with a short list of experiences that support that feeling. Do a mindset check-in as your day unfolds to remind yourself to stick to this behavioral recipe. Then, as you go to bed, reflect on how fulfilled you’ve become.
When we shift from a results orientation to one that combines savory ingredients, these elements infuse life with delicious possibilities, leading to meaningful experiences.
Happiness as a Process, not a Destination
A paradigm shift is needed to experience happiness in a world fixated on pleasure. Let’s redirect our focus from the destination to the journey, understanding that true happiness lies not in the perfection of circumstances but in the joy derived from a life saturated with profound meaning.
By acknowledging the distinction between external pleasure and internal happiness, we can balance the two to liberate ourselves from emotional struggle – and to, finally, embrace a fulfilling existence.