How to Have a Happier Holiday Through Acceptance
By Bill Benson · Dec 5, 2023
Finally, grown up and no longer toeing the line of our families’ original agendas and expectations, we have the license to celebrate as we wish and do as we choose.
Of course, traditional moments remain desirous, but we now have the freedom to rein them in or let them fly. Yet, even standing on our own during holiday time, many still behaviorally stumble down the same beaten paths from childhood.
Visiting Memory Lane
As adults, time and maturity have enhanced our abilities to reason. However, when our original clan gathers, we travel down memory lane toward the long-established family communication rules and operating systems (that have rarely been updated).
According to family dynamics expert John Bradshaw, 96% of all families are somewhat dysfunctional. So, this time of year may be triggering, bringing about feelings of obligation and overwhelm, frustration and disappointment.
In the Beginning
At one point in time, family protocols were necessary. During childhood and adolescence, rules (and the validation for following them) were vital to our development. We needed others’ guidance and endorsement to develop and gauge our senses of self.
Family and social roles helped us access the emotional nutrients necessary for our budding identities to blossom: “The cooperative one.” “The smart one.” “The funny one.” Even being “the rebellious one” served its self-defining purpose…
Given our histories, old ways of perceiving ourselves and others resurface when we head home for the holidays. When the players and scenery from our pasts surround us, it’s easy to regress into the roles we once enacted as children (despite our solemn self-pledges not to). The result: We find ourselves expecting and abiding by the past instead of enjoying the present.
The Gift Is in the Present
The great news is that a jolly-good time has less to do with our surroundings and more with how we approach our circumstances. We can experience our holidays from a fresh and festive lens by remaining connected with the adult we’ve become. When we are solid within ourselves, we can meet other people’s behaviors with acceptance instead of a challenge.
Acceptance, Not “Expectance.”
People often need help understanding the psychological definition of acceptance: Acceptance does not mean agreement. We do not have to align with our families’ politics, opinions, or expectations. Acceptance is about putting our struggle down – not needing to prove our point or get another to understand us to feel valid.
When we entrench ourselves in being “right,” we impose “wrongness” on others’ thoughts and feelings. The result creates emotional distance. The best way to feel closeness with others is to stop convincing them to see things our way.
Instead of proving or defending ourselves in exchanges,
why not adopt the healthier practice of being ourselves
and allowing others to be themselves?
So, as an alternative to struggling this year, why not enjoy the many different perspectives and experiences that family members are excited to share?
-Consider it your opportunity to witness the show-and-tell of yesteryear from the comfort of being all grown-up.